The first presidential debate is days away.

Its outcome, regardless of who appears the most senile by the end, will spark fury and discontent, fueling the fiery division that threatens to consume us.

The future we dread nears. It is a dense cloud of vitriol on the horizon.

This long-simmering tempest is overwhelming our atmosphere. It will blot out the sun, the hope we have for our country, if we’re not careful. (In this analogy, our hate evaporates into the air like sea water on a hot summer day. Triggering news stories condense our collective hate into an odious cloud that will destroy us all.) It’s a phenomenon caused by excess pollution of the mouth, or Homo ignoramus blatherus.

The air is already heavy with the impending cloud’s miasma: a mixture of animosity and bitterness as loved ones bicker with one another; the pungent aroma of treachery emanating from partners arguing over who is the lesser evil; the rotten odor of the resigned, who will follow their party to the grave no matter what happens; and the whiff of shit from those sad souls who refuse to choose between the two old men because, clearly, neither is suitable.

Unfortunately, there’s no avoiding the toxic cloud that is barreling toward us all. But, like one of my Silla’s noxious doggy farts, there are ways we can dissipate it before it clogs up our air and poisons the few remaining brain cells we have left as a species.

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To counteract the coming insanity, I’ve been re-reading Buster Benson’s book, Why Are We Yelling?, about the art of productive disagreement. I think his work should be required[1] reading for anyone who wants the right to vote.

Benson starts by dispelling three prevalent misconceptions about arguments.

Arguments don’t end; they have deep roots and will resurface, prompting continued engagement. Arguments aren’t bad; they highlight issues needing attention. Arguments aren’t about changing minds; they aim to bring minds together. Benson then categorizes disagreements into three realms: head (what is true), heart (what is meaningful), and hands (what is useful). By identifying which realm a disagreement belongs to, we can address it more effectively.

THE GIFT OF DISAGREEMENT
Truth 1: Arguments aren’t bad.	They’re signposts to issues that need our attention.
Truth 2: Arguments aren’t about changing minds.	They are about bringing minds together.
Truth 3: Arguments don’t end.	They have deep roots and will pop back up again and again, asking us to engage with them.

When information can settle a disagreement, a conflict of the head, or what is true, occurs. This is often the “what” of a situation. Settling a conflict of the heart, or what is meaningful, relies solely on personal taste, as it pertains to preferences, values, and judgment calls. This is often the “why” of a situation. People can only settle a conflict of hands, or what is useful, by conducting a test or by waiting to see how things will play out in the future. This is often the “how” of a situation. Sometimes, a disagreement involves elements from more than one question, but by asking, “What is this about?” we can determine which one should be addressed first. (Benson 27)

Why care about having a productive disagreement?

Productive disagreements can yield security, growth, connection, and enjoyment. They help us see the world and each other more deeply, build trust, and foster collaboration. (Benson 30)

I don’t know about y’all, but I think that is exactly what our country needs right now. Hateful rhetoric chokes my social media feed, and it’s coming from both sides of the aisle. I won’t pretend like this will be easy for any of us. I grew up in a Republican household, but as I entered adulthood, my political views shifted towards the center with a leaning towards the left. As the Age of Trump progressed, those leanings were cemented[2]. I understand how hard it is to get the other side’s perspective. Before his death, my dad supported Trump. We used to have intense political debates, but eventually I had to put an end to it. Our arguments went nowhere, and they always left me feeling frustrated and even more confused.

If only I had Benson’s book a few years ago, maybe Dad and I could have worked through some of our political differences.

There is a chapter devoted to each of the eight techniques that Benson recommends you use in order to have a constructive disagreement:

1) watch how anxiety sparks;

2) talk to your internal voices;

3) develop honest bias;

4) speak for yourself[3];

5) ask questions that invite surprising answers;

6) build arguments together;

7) cultivate neutral spaces;

8) accept reality, then participate in it.

“Anxiety is a signpost pointing out our personal beliefs and expectations.”

— Buster Benson, Why Are We Yelling?

Since I have a lot of anxiety myself, that’s the one I’ll focus on. According to Benson, anxiety sparks when a perspective we value bumps into another perspective that challenges it. It’s not unusual to feel anxious when other people do harmless things that don’t align with our preferences. The set-up of any joke, story, or headline in the news requires the creation of anxiety. It’s highly motivating in fast-moving formats. The psychological term for this is cognitive dissonance, and every time we experience this, we’re motivated to reduce it. Entertainers often use anything they can to generate cognitive dissonance to grab your attention. If they can make you feel tense, then you’re more likely to pay attention to whatever they point to for resolution (52-53). Recall that an argument can be about what is true, what is meaningful, or what is useful.

Our job is to identify which type or types of disagreements we want to have. (And try not to get worked up about how the various media channels compete for our precious attention.)

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Here’s a quick recap of what the other chapters cover, in case anyone is interested in having me write more about it when I get back from my vacation. Or, better yet, in case I can entice anyone to actually buy this book themselves! (Trust me, it’s worth it!)

Talk to your internal voices: understand inherited reactions to anxiety; our internal voices represent the default reactions we’ve adopted from our parents and broader culture.

Develop honest bias: if we don’t acknowledge and manage our bias, it will control us from the shadows.[4]

Speak for yourself: encourage self-representation; our ability to speculate about other people, their perspectives, and their reasoning is weak. Instead, invite everyone to represent themselves.

Ask questions that invite surprising answers: surprising answers carry the most information, so gain new insights by asking the unexpected question.

Build arguments together: avoid divisive tactics like nut-picking (picking out the nuttiest person from the other side because they’re the easiest to tear apart) and making straw man arguments, as they will produce no fruit.

Cultivate neutral spaces: create possibilities for dialogue; they have to first exist in our heads before they can exist around our tables and in our communities.

Accept reality, then take part in it: move beyond the realm of wishful thinking and willful blindness.

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In the coming months, let’s try to remember that despite our differences, we are all Americans. For good or ill, half the country believes differently than you do. That other half is bound to include your loved ones. I know it does for me. It’s time to stop attacking each other and start the arduous work of bringing our divided country together through meaningful conversation. Neither side is going anywhere, so let us make peace and move forward.

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[1] OK, OK, the right to vote is sacred. I shouldn’t joke about it. This was me trying to be pithy. How about, This book should be given to everyone upon reaching the legal voting age?

[2] Although, I’m still registered as an “Independent” last I checked, and that’s how I prefer to be categorized. But, if we’re being honest with ourselves, there are only two real parties in the USA.

[3] This one sounds close to Mom’s family motto: Listen to your heart, think for yourself.

[4] This is a great chapter; it covers cognitive biases, conundrums, and strategies you can use to overcome them.

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Sources:

Benson, Buster. Why Are We Yelling? Pan Macmillan, 2019