Learning about inherited family patterns & the cycle of suffering

I earmarked today for working on the memoir, not the blog, but my ADHD brain (or was it my OCD?) had other ideas.

It usually takes me a good hour to get going in the morning, and this is after I’ve already brushed my teeth, let my dogs out, done last night’s dishes, etc. For reasons unknown, before doing anything else, I must sit down at my desk and stare off into space, sometimes thinking but more often not. If I’m lucky, I won’t forget my purpose and start watching “Simon’s Cat” videos. I try to steer clear of Facebook before noon to avoid temptation, but I can easily persuade myself “it’s for work” by replying or liking the comments on my posts.

Anyhow, during today’s morning ritual, I was staring blankly at my collection of books when I realized there was one I hadn’t so much as cracked the spine of yet. Last year for Christmas, I asked my mom for research books on alcoholism, family trauma, and toxic relationships, and boy, did my mom deliver. This book was one of them, but it lacked the telltale signs of a methodical read-through. Her other gifts had been goldmines of precious information, so I knew how I’d be spending the rest of my day, and it wouldn’t be by writing for the memoir.[1]

With that ridiculously long and entirely unnecessary introduction out of the way, please let me tell you about “It Didn’t Start With You” by Mark Wolynn. First and foremost, this book is an excellent resource for anyone struggling with family trauma and/or inherited family trauma. Wolynn provides credible sources for all his scientific claims, demonstrates his points with real-world examples, and offers writing exercises and questionnaires to assist readers in identifying the impact of inherited family trauma.

So, what is inherited family trauma?

“The latest scientific research tells us that the effects of trauma can pass from one generation to the next,” Wolynn writes, which isn’t necessarily new information. What makes this book so interesting is the insight he’s gained from years of research, teaching and working with others, and traveling the world. “Much of this book focuses on identifying inherited family patterns—the fears, feelings, and behavior we’ve unknowingly adopted that keep the cycle of suffering alive from generation to generation—and also how to end this cycle, which is the core of my work.”

With what Wolynn calls the “core language approach,” he’s been able to help people discover the root cause behind the physical and emotional symptoms that keep them mired in their trauma. Using this method, “deep-rooted patterns of depression, anxiety, and emptiness [can] shift in a flash of insight. The vehicle for this journey is language, the buried language of our worries and fears. It’s likely this language has lived inside us our whole lives. It may have originated with our parents, or even generations ago with our great-grandparents. Our core language insists on being heard.” (Wolynn)

There are four unconscious themes that Wolynn puts forward as potential roadblocks to life’s forward progress. I identified most with the first, which can be summed up with this question: Did you merge with the feelings, behaviors, or experiences of a parent? “Many of us unconsciously take on our parents’ pain. As small children, we develop our sense of self gradually. Back then, we had not learned how to be separate from our parents and be connected to them at the same time. In this innocent phase, perhaps we imagined that we could alleviate their unhappiness by fixing or sharing it. If we too carried it, they wouldn’t have to carry it alone. But this is fantasized thinking, and it only leads to more unhappiness. Shared patterns of unhappiness are all around us.” When we merge with a parent, it’s often a negative attribute that we share, which can lead us to repeating their same destructive patterns. (Wolynn)

While reading this book, I couldn’t help but draw parallels with “The Art of Memoir” by Mary Karr. The similarities were not in the words written, but in the emotions expressed. For me, so much of my memoir journey has been about self-discovery. When I first started writing, I thought I just wanted to know my dad better, to understand him, but I quickly realized what I needed was to better understand myself. Mary Karr provides the tools you need to explore and understand your own mind, and Mark Wolynn explains why your mind is the way it is and how you can deconstruct it and build it back up into something better. They both stress the importance of our past and looking inward. Until we reveal our unconscious behaviors to ourselves, we’re likely to persist in repeating the same harmful patterns. In order to heal from our trauma, we have to know ourselves completely.

“Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside awakes.”

– Carl Jung, Letters, Vol. 1

[1] I didn’t have a choice. My OCD would never allow me to leave a good book unread, especially not after I’d read all the others on my shelf. Now that I’d noticed it, my eye would be perpetually drawn to it until I inevitably picked it up.

Source:

Wolynn, Mark. It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle. Vermilion, 2022.

Kinsey Keys

aspiring memoirist rummaging through my noggin, stubbornly clutching the past to my chest like it’s a newborn babe starved for mother's milk.

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